yet another "death" post.
So yesterday I got my date, which is exactly two weeks away. I have felt mostly shock, some fear, and a little excitement.
I kinda don't want to die.
I am 30 years old, and have been some sort of "fat" for twenty years. "Chubby" ages 10-14, varying degrees of "fat" (lowest 188 highest 275) ages 15-present. I CANNOT fathom that I, Monica, can/will have this surgery and what I have STRUGGLED with for the last 15+ years will in a matter of months be poof history. The only logical alternative I can come up with is that I won't make it. That I will be put to sleep and sleep on and on. Ok, I know thats not all that logical but I cannot imagine a skinny(ier) me, I cannot imagine going into a store with my normal sized friends and sister and not being a quiet miserable by stander while they shop for things I love. I cannot imagine not reliving every moment of my life in my head as the skinny version of me. (e.g. On a date, instead of watching the movie, imagining my skinny self sitting there in place of my fat self, imagining what my skinny self would have worn instead of the fat girl clothes my fat self is wearing, etc).
Also, I have told no more than 10 people outside of my immediate family about my decision. My parents have normal parent worries (death is one of them, not so normal and maybe hereditary? ok they are not so worried specifically about death but more or less something going wrong in general), my sis, best friend, ex hubby, and about two out of the ten "outside people" have been supportive. Everyone else is all "why? you're not even that big. Don't do it, you can lose it on your own, I'll run with you, fast with you/blah blah blah with you. (none offered to trade places with me, for the record). So that makes me worry that again, maybe I won't make so that these nay sayers will have their "I told you so" moment.
The ramblings of my mind: I have 100 pounds to lose. I have lost about 90 lbs in a year-year and a half before, but that was ten years ago. I am not a "I'd rather be dead than fat" person. Death is not listed (here on OH) as a Bariatric surgery risk. Why do I have to be put to sleep (why cant they give me an epidural, c-section style?)? How long will I be asleep?
Someone tell me shut up, please.
I kinda don't want to die.
I am 30 years old, and have been some sort of "fat" for twenty years. "Chubby" ages 10-14, varying degrees of "fat" (lowest 188 highest 275) ages 15-present. I CANNOT fathom that I, Monica, can/will have this surgery and what I have STRUGGLED with for the last 15+ years will in a matter of months be poof history. The only logical alternative I can come up with is that I won't make it. That I will be put to sleep and sleep on and on. Ok, I know thats not all that logical but I cannot imagine a skinny(ier) me, I cannot imagine going into a store with my normal sized friends and sister and not being a quiet miserable by stander while they shop for things I love. I cannot imagine not reliving every moment of my life in my head as the skinny version of me. (e.g. On a date, instead of watching the movie, imagining my skinny self sitting there in place of my fat self, imagining what my skinny self would have worn instead of the fat girl clothes my fat self is wearing, etc).
Also, I have told no more than 10 people outside of my immediate family about my decision. My parents have normal parent worries (death is one of them, not so normal and maybe hereditary? ok they are not so worried specifically about death but more or less something going wrong in general), my sis, best friend, ex hubby, and about two out of the ten "outside people" have been supportive. Everyone else is all "why? you're not even that big. Don't do it, you can lose it on your own, I'll run with you, fast with you/blah blah blah with you. (none offered to trade places with me, for the record). So that makes me worry that again, maybe I won't make so that these nay sayers will have their "I told you so" moment.
The ramblings of my mind: I have 100 pounds to lose. I have lost about 90 lbs in a year-year and a half before, but that was ten years ago. I am not a "I'd rather be dead than fat" person. Death is not listed (here on OH) as a Bariatric surgery risk. Why do I have to be put to sleep (why cant they give me an epidural, c-section style?)? How long will I be asleep?
Someone tell me shut up, please.
Your post is exactly one of the reasons that most bariatric surgeons require a psych evaluation - not to determine if you're crazy or not for your ramblings (trust me, you're not) but to make sure you are mentally prepared for the changes you and your body are going to go through following this type of surgery. Have you had a psych eval yet? If not, then you need to schedule one with a doctor who specializes in this type of thing - if you don't know of one, ask your surgeon's office if they can recommend one. I strongly, strongly suggest you see this person at least once, if not a few times before actually committing to the surgery - only because at this point you seem so torn about it and you HAVE to be mentally (and physically) prepared to go through this or it will not work for you.
The RNY surgery is major surgery - they will put you to sleep - depending on your body, your surgeon, and your cir****tances you can be under for anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours - there is no set time frame because sometimes the surgeon gets in there and has to do additional things - if you have a hernia - do you have your gallbladder - is everything where it needs to be - etc.
Dealing with a smaller version of yourself is something else that goes along with this surgery, and a lot of people find that the support from this site or meetings is enough to help them with body image issues (loose skin, etc) but for some people more professional help is needed, so don't rule that out either.
Anxiety when facing any major surgery is perfectly normal, but you seem to be having stronger issues by your recent posts - so please do yourself a favor and get that psych evaluation before you go any further - if you've had one, make another appt to sit down with a professional and share your concerns and fears - be mentally prepared for your surgery - you'll be better for it in the long run.
Wishing you all the best - Kathy
The RNY surgery is major surgery - they will put you to sleep - depending on your body, your surgeon, and your cir****tances you can be under for anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours - there is no set time frame because sometimes the surgeon gets in there and has to do additional things - if you have a hernia - do you have your gallbladder - is everything where it needs to be - etc.
Dealing with a smaller version of yourself is something else that goes along with this surgery, and a lot of people find that the support from this site or meetings is enough to help them with body image issues (loose skin, etc) but for some people more professional help is needed, so don't rule that out either.
Anxiety when facing any major surgery is perfectly normal, but you seem to be having stronger issues by your recent posts - so please do yourself a favor and get that psych evaluation before you go any further - if you've had one, make another appt to sit down with a professional and share your concerns and fears - be mentally prepared for your surgery - you'll be better for it in the long run.
Wishing you all the best - Kathy
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for your response. I have had the psych eval, it was actually one of the first tests I had done back in May. I am ready for surgery in the sense that I am ready for a different life, a different me. I believe all of my' "I cannot imagine this and that's" are coming more from a "too good to be true" area and not so much of a "no grasp on what can be and whats gonna be" aspect. I think being ovrweight your whole life lends itself to a little difficulty with imagining something different. Whenever I am faced with something big or life changing (marriage/travel to an exotic place/graduating/being pregnant) I always have this "I cant believe this is happening to me/too good to be true" trip that I go on.
That being said, I enjoy talking and working things/fears/problems out so I wouldn't be against support groups/additional therapy sessions!
~monica
Thanks for your response. I have had the psych eval, it was actually one of the first tests I had done back in May. I am ready for surgery in the sense that I am ready for a different life, a different me. I believe all of my' "I cannot imagine this and that's" are coming more from a "too good to be true" area and not so much of a "no grasp on what can be and whats gonna be" aspect. I think being ovrweight your whole life lends itself to a little difficulty with imagining something different. Whenever I am faced with something big or life changing (marriage/travel to an exotic place/graduating/being pregnant) I always have this "I cant believe this is happening to me/too good to be true" trip that I go on.
That being said, I enjoy talking and working things/fears/problems out so I wouldn't be against support groups/additional therapy sessions!
~monica
Good, glad you had the eval done. It is hard to imagine being 'small' or even more normal. I went over 200 lbs when I had my daughter at 20 and it just escalated over the years - oh sure, I would go on WW or Jenny Craig and lost 50, even 60 lbs at times, but then would revert back to old habits and it all came back and brought lots of friends with it!
Trust me - it is a constant mind adjustment for most of us. I weigh less now than when I got married - I feel wonderful - I can shop in regular stores now - I lost a whole shoe size. My goal is to lose 200 lbs which I have not attained yet but I never give up hope that I will. I had a rough year with dealing with my mom and her terminal illness, and lost her in February - my husband and I are still trying to adjust to life without her because she lived with us for 18 years.
You're going to do just fine - you'll gradually get used to the new body as it transforms. It's all part of the process, so relax and enjoy!
Trust me - it is a constant mind adjustment for most of us. I weigh less now than when I got married - I feel wonderful - I can shop in regular stores now - I lost a whole shoe size. My goal is to lose 200 lbs which I have not attained yet but I never give up hope that I will. I had a rough year with dealing with my mom and her terminal illness, and lost her in February - my husband and I are still trying to adjust to life without her because she lived with us for 18 years.
You're going to do just fine - you'll gradually get used to the new body as it transforms. It's all part of the process, so relax and enjoy!
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Monica,
You so sound like me before my surgery. I must have gone back and forth a thousand times to do or not to do it. It took me over a year to be approved for the surgery due to certain health issues and paperwork from the insurance company. It took me five years to finally make the decision to go to a consult with my doctor. I knew I needed help losing weight, but was SCARED ****less! Yes, this is major surgery, but in a couple of months after you have lost a good bit of weight you will not regret your decision. I am almost 15 months out and 140 lbs down! I am so glad that I did it, even though my husband had to kick me in the a** a couple of times to keep me on track!
Good luck and keep us updated!
We will make room for you on the loser's bench....
Beth
You so sound like me before my surgery. I must have gone back and forth a thousand times to do or not to do it. It took me over a year to be approved for the surgery due to certain health issues and paperwork from the insurance company. It took me five years to finally make the decision to go to a consult with my doctor. I knew I needed help losing weight, but was SCARED ****less! Yes, this is major surgery, but in a couple of months after you have lost a good bit of weight you will not regret your decision. I am almost 15 months out and 140 lbs down! I am so glad that I did it, even though my husband had to kick me in the a** a couple of times to keep me on track!
Good luck and keep us updated!
We will make room for you on the loser's bench....
Beth
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I had the same exact thing I had OMG you are not even "that big" and I responded to them by saying thank you but I am. There are risks with any kind of surgery even the "simple" ones and I am not trying to scare you. If anyone said to me when they walker thru those doors to make the choice that they weren't scared I would have said to they you are full of poo poo! Yes we can lose the weigh but thats not the problem its keeping it off. Now mind you this surgery is not a cure its a tool and its up to us to do right by it by following the yellow brick road. Oh you asked to be told to shut up so don't do that please. Just keep asking your questions and expressing your concerns you are not doing anything that those of us have gone before you. Please thats what we are here for! Oh you do want to be asleep when this is done and before you know it you will wake up and begin your new journey. As far as other people with their opinions well I always say opinions are like ******** we all have one right? Stop discussing this with others looking for their seal of approval and take care of you. Oh I mean the nay sayers of course you can discuss it with anyone you want but the ones who have stupid **** to say advoid them like germs. Do what is right for you. After all like Richard Simons said "you have to go home with that body, not them" Wise person that Richard Simons. I hope I at least made you smile with my answer. Wait til that weight comes off and you are shopping your tushie off. Life is good,
The "oh you're not that big comment" sooooo close to home! I had a BUNCH of co workers tell me that...and now those SAME co workers tell me when they look at pictures "I dont' remember you being that big" or, my personal favorite, "oh, I didn't know you when you looked like THAT" Well, of course you did moron!
Hang in...your ramblings are totally totally normal!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
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